Why can’t we all get along?

• Tom & Jerry

• The Cat in the Hat

• Wile E. Coyote & the Road Runner

In the best of circumstances, we are taught the golden rule as

toddlers by our parents and how best to play in a sandbox in

kindergarten. Many social scientists would argue that some of the

most important lessons in life are learned in the sandbox: share your

toys; don’t kick sand in other’s faces; and don’t let the sandbox

become cat litter. We are hard-wired to be social animals, and yet

very few of us live kumbaya lives. Conflict seems to be a necessary

catalyst for forming relationships, so the best lessons in life are those

that teach us to negotiate conflicts functionally and with the least

collateral damage.

We are taught socio-cultural rules of engagement, and we

develop an intra-psychic and interpersonal skill set with which to

negotiate life. That skill set is who we are; it is the firmware of our

personalities. In the best of outcomes, we learn to live functional and

gratifying lives by getting along well with others and negotiating

conflicts effectively. This is not always the case; we have all had

internal dialogues prompted by disappointment and frustration at not

having negotiated a conflict or relationship effectively.

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We define interpersonal ineffectiveness as a personality disorder, and the mere mention of personality disorder has become pejorative, so perhaps it is best not to mention it. Not so. Some of the most important conversations in our lives are going to be uncomfortable. First, I will state that everyone has a little slice of interpersonal dysfunction, and we learn to live better lives as we get older by learning new interpersonal skills with which to improve our

intrapsychic quality of life. If we are unable to do this on our own, we seek counsel from friends, family, clergy, or psychotherapists competent in treating personality disorders.

Tom & Jerry are natural enemies, and they engage in violence. Would it be possible for them to get along without Tom consuming Jerry? Sometimes, interpersonal pairings are impossible, and it would be best to simply not engage.

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The Cat in the Hat is a morality tale; be careful with whom you choose to keep company. A brother and sister invite the bon vivant and charismatic cat into their home; the cat seeks thrills and spills. The cat makes a mess in pursuit of thrills. The siblings fail to set boundaries or negotiate the cat’s intrusion into their lives. Their passivity will remain a vulnerability to being exploited until they can learn the interpersonal skills of setting limits with aggressive and intrusive personalities.

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The Road Runner & Wile E. Coyote is a parody of predation and the natural order like Tom & Jerry, though there is also a moral lesson not to over-intellectualize solutions; for all his genius machinations and devices to catch the Road Runner, Mr. Coyote always fails miserably. These cartoon adversaries are hardwired to engage, so the lesson that should be learned is the radical acceptance of unavoidable conflict and the need to learn to negotiate conflict effectively without becoming an emotional casualty. It is noteworthy that there are no iconic cartoons about functional and ethical pairings, as we would not find them entertaining.

Most literature and cinema portray human conflict between flawed and imperfect individuals who seek solutions. The cartoon cats, mouse, and coyote are adversarial archetypes. A personality disorder can be understood in terms of how much of a dysfunctional archetype we internalize. These disorders are characterized by interpersonal difficulties, emotional dysregulation, unstable

self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of identity, over-valued ideas or distortions, paranoia, and cognitive rigidity. These are the goals of treatment: to identify the dysfunctional cognitive and behavioral patterns and to learn new interpersonal skills while not becoming overwhelmed with affective dysregulation.

Addressing chronic interpersonal dysfunction is not amenable to medications. It requires a psychotherapeutic process that may take months to years. The preferred modalities of treatment are Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Mentalization-based Treatment (MBT), and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). In the current healthcare financing environment, the drive is to identify mental health problems as biologically based and therefore requiring medications, but this view is excessively

reductionistic and unethical. It is noteworthy that personality disorders are often not diagnosed. A disorder can be treated before it forms (prevention), while it governs life (active illness), and after the damage in long-term health span (palliative treatment). It is perhaps most cost-effective to engage in disease prevention and then treat active illness before damage becomes irreversible. A comprehensive mental health assessment should include a formal personality

inventory such as the evidence-based Five Factor Model of personality or the DSM-5 Alternative Model for Personality Disorders. It is cathartic and potentially constructive to identify our inner cartoons.